The Evil Within
by Bwaye
Summary: He’s Prince of Mirkwood, proud, unquestionably noble, gorgeous and strangely evil. What has happened to Legolas! R
1. In the beginning...

~*~  
  
There seems to have been some cock up in administration, it seems that I didn't write Lord of the Rings - damn those office ladies to Mordor! (By the way this is a disclaimer...)  
  
Legolas sat cross-legged, head supported on one of his slim but strong light blue material clad arms with a completely bored look on his face. Normally he wouldn't dream of doing something so undignified but Legolas was far away from civilized company and could bloody well do what he pleased. The grass was annoyingly green today, Legolas noted and the sky was infuriatingly clear. A bird chirped in an annoyingly green tree to his far left. Legolas snatched up the large silver bow that had been resting by his side and shot the bird right out of the tree. `That'll shut you up!' thought Legolas and added as an after thought ` now lets just see if the trees want to be quite so green hmm?' It went on like this for some time until Legolas had completely exhausted his supply of arrows and had lost both his silver daggers when trying to silence a babbling brook.  
  
It was approaching dusk in the fair elvan town of Rivendell. Elrond sat with his guests on the soft green grass in one of Rivendell's beautiful forests admiring the splendour of the setting sun, he particularly liked the way the shimmering light struck the water of the ford in the distance. Elrond sighed with contentment before leaning gently back onto the supporting trunk of a silver birch. Caught up in the moment, he began to hum to himself. This was a mistake as Legolas, who was returning from trashing a different forest, heard Elrond's attempt at music and threw a rock at him. The rock sailed through the air and hit Elrond right on the nose causing irreversible damage, shattering the bone and above all bending it to the far left. Elrond yelled out in pain, clutching his hands to his copiously bleeding nasal. Meanwhile Legolas was sniggering to himself while he kicked various friendly woodland creatures out of his path.  
  
On reflection it had been a normal day in middle-earth except for the glaring fact that mild mannered, housewife pin up, useful with a bow and prince of Mirkwood elf Legolas, had turned mad. Now it hadn't been an easy job turning the gracious Legolas into a rampant, volatile, disturber of the peace who was absolutely brimming with attitude. It had taken time patience and a hearty splash of evil. To help you better understand the means by which this abomination was performed I'll take you back to earlier that day, the sun was bright, the sky was clear and yes, the birds were singing.  
  
~*~  
  
That was just the prologue chapter one will probably be up sometime next week. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! (In reviewing you justify my use of 5 exclamation marks) 


	2. Legolas the Raving Delinquent

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Another chapter another disclaimer: So we've established that against my wishes I don't own Lord of the Rings but now I'm going to tell what I'd do if I did...  
  
1^st: buy green berets for all my friends and anyone I met walking in the street especially if I liked their pants...  
  
It, on reflection, was a perfectly normal day in the fine town of Rivendell. It never rained in Rivendell, unless their little paradoxical black hair, grey eyed ruler wanted it to. Apart from having complete metrological control Elrond had a few other things going for him too: he was pretty much immortal, he had pointy ears like Spock, he had a luxurious house and some powerful friends, did I mention he was immortal? And so this is how Elrond woke every morning, feeling great and prevailing. Except this morning, he woke with a stomach full of something he later identified as fear. He shakily arose from his far too comfortable and inviting bed and put his quaking feet on the floor. His thoughts were jumbled and imprecise. He lightly touched his forehead in an effort to heal it. Nothing happened, of course.  
  
So it was like this that Elrond started the day, a vague and muddled walking zombie. It was lucky there were no important jobs for Elrond to do at present so he just found a chair and took the time to draw up a peace treaty for his waring mind.  
  
Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, started the day in a very different manner indeed. He was as happy as an immortal, dead gorgeous, fighting machine could be. And an absolute bonus for everyone else was that he was smiling. His ice blond hair was tumbling behind him in the slight breeze, which also gave his cheeks a pinkish tint. His eyes were radiant, his smile vibrant and if he didn't have such a controlled character he would have started skipping with joy. It was like this that he came across a strange shimmering object resting in the grass, half hidden by the shadow of a gigantic oak tree. He bent down to get a closer look. He had no idea what it was so out went a slim elvan hand to pick it up for closer inspection. The minute his spindly fingers touched the surface of the mysterious glinting object his entire body froze. A spiralling electric blue light curled up his fingers and through his entire frame. Then, unfrozen, he continued to pick up the object. He sighed when he  
saw what it was but placed it in his pocket none the less, Legolas was not the kind of elf to just leave a shiny object in the dust. And so he continued on his way as if nothing at all had happened - because in truth Legolas hadn't even noticed the fracture in time, so off he went as happy as before.  
  
Legolas's good mood quickly faded though, through the course of the day he steadily got more and more irritated first just at small things but gradually he started to despise everything that moved, looked like moving, wanted to move but lacked the motivation (he reserved a special set of arrows for those slackers) and things that would never move even if he kicked and bit them. Other Elves had started to notice this strange behaviour but had dismissed it as haspu - Elfin puberty, no one stoped to wonder wether a strange shinny object had turned him into a raving delinquent, but then again it's not such a common occurrence.  
  
~*~  
  
So this brings us up to just before the prologue so the next chapter will be where the adventure will begin. Thank you for your reviews people and thanks to Becki for correcting my spelling oversight. The next chapter will probably be up within the week... Munchy apples for any one who reviews... actually I don't have any munchy apples and even if I did I would have to send them through the post and by the time they arrived they'd no longer be munchy and that would make me sad! 


	3. The Bunny Missile

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The number two thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Commission myself a gigantic monkey shaped house to be built on top of Buckingham Palace...  
  
~*~  
  
Now here we are at the beginning of our adventure. We have a tragedy, a hero, a cause, a mystery and a broken nose.  
  
Elrond went to bed that night in a worse state than in the morning. When his nose had finally stopped bleeding he and his freshly assembled team of medi elves had tried their hardest to rectify the damage caused by the mysteriously aerodynamic rock. Though it was a lost cause, forever more Elrond of Rivendell would have a wonky nose. He could just cry thinking about what this was doing for his reputation. If ever he found out who had thrown that rock he would do unmentionable things to them before rubbing their noses in it. Unfortunately it was getting late and Elrond was tired after his marathon cosmetic surgery, there would plenty of time to destroy the fiend in the morning. Eventually Elrond drifted off to sleep but while he slept that seed of fear, a remanent of his vague and totally forgotten morning, began to grow, nourished by some evil without.  
  
It was early morning before anybody really started to notice that there was something very wrong with Legolas, all thoughts of Haspu forgotten they struggled to find a reason for his erratic and destructive behaviour. A group of young male elves, who had been going for their morning stroll had come across Legolas throwing a sack full of bunny rabbits in to the still depths of the ford. The bunnies, slightly confused had scampered up onto the bank and scarpered, as the water was particularly low at this time of year. The elves had managed to overpower Legolas, though it was touch and go there for a while when Legolas, in a fit of rage, had started using the little bunnies as missiles. They had dragged Legolas kicking and screaming to Elrond's house in an effort to get some answers. When Elrond saw Legolas he detected no deference. He looked Legolas up and down as two of his finest and strongest guard elves held the bunny pitcher in place. Legolas had managed to calm down some  
but still twitched uncontrollably with unreleased anger. Elrond stepped closer to Legolas to examine his skin for some sort of marking when it hit him, a wave of concentrated evil that made his mind rock with despair. What was that? He thought, but it had gone as soon as it had appeared.  
  
He had screwed his eyes shut when the wave hit, now he opened them slowly. Both his guards lay, beaten, on the floor. Legolas was nowhere to be seen. Elrond half expected to see a helpful cloud of dust indicating the evil elves path but no such luck. Elrond took no time in organising a search party, which he sent on their rummaging ways while he held a meeting between some top representatives that just happened to be currently enjoying his hospitality. He gathered them all and took them to his secret meeting place. The party consisted of Brog the dwarf, Blog his brother and Bog their slightly strange cousin. There was also a contingent of humans, Wayne, Shayne, Dwayne and Stayne - all were trade representatives from up north, he very much doubted whether they had anything interesting to say so he hadn't talked to them before now. And that just left the elves that had accompanied Legolas to Rivendell. They were in shocking moods. Their Prince and certified chic magnet had  
turned into a violent lunatic - a definite turn off. In a bid to get some order Elrond cleared his throat loudly. All eyes locked onto him instantly. Elrond flicked his hair, impressed with his attention receiving skills.  
  
"You all know why I've called you here today." Everyone nodded solemnly except Bog, cousin of Blog and Brog, who grinned madly and jittered with excitement. Elrond gave him a cursory glance before continuing. "Legolas Prince of Mirkwood one of our most loyal and trusted warriors has turned... mad." Bog giggled wildly.  
  
"Yeah but he a, huh... he's an elf isn't he?" He laughed so hard his body started to twitch. Brog gave him a quick kick, which shut him up soon enough.  
  
"For sometime now I have felt an evil force covering Rivendell like a blanket-"  
  
"Oh I like blankets! They keep you warm at night and their nice and soft and just thinking about them makes me want my mummy to tuck me in at night!" An excited Bog shared with the astonished crowd. Brog and Blog shifted away from their cousin, hanging their heads in shame. Elrond nodded in what he hopped was a supportive way.  
  
"Really? Well, well... Anyhow like I said an evil bl.... force has been hanging over Rivendell and only today when I attended to Legolas did I realise what that force was... It seems we have been invaded by an evil far greater than the mind can imagine..." All faces, including Bog's, had grown ashen with fear. "It seems we have been visited by the dark lord Soran's greatest shadowy achievement since the one ring itself, gentlemen we have amongst our midst the one -"  
  
~*~  
  
And that's where it ends for now... about the ending: I just couldn't help myself - it seemed like such a perfect place to finish up for now. Anyhow I have to go and eat an apple, which was kindly provided by JamieLea Lightfoot. That's a damn good apple! apple juice squirts in all directions Right well while I'm eating you can all review!... unless, of course, you'd rather join me in eating some apples in which case I totally understand. 


	4. Soup or serving?

~*~  
  
The third thing I would do if owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Invite everyone round to my monkey palace and hold a gigantic bobbing for apples competition - the winner gets a lifetime supply of peanut M & M's and their footballer of choice.  
  
"- The One Spoon." Elrond paused for effect. Everyone else was completely stock-still. One brave human, possibly Shayne managed to speak up.  
  
"Um... sorry... but did you just say spoon? As in S-P-O-O-N?" Elrond nodded gravely. "Right, well, just checking." Shayne's question managed to break everyone out of their spoon induced stupor. Glog, brother of Grog cleared his throat.  
  
"So we are talking about spoons then? The things we use to eat... say soup?" Elrond nodded even more gravely.  
  
"Spoons? Ah yes but what kind of spoon? Soup or serving?" Asked Bog, who was the only one apart from Elrond who hadn't thought this even a little strange. A cloud of confusion crossed Elrond's face.  
  
"I... don't actually know... anyhow that doesn't matter, what matters is Legolas is in grave danger and we must do something quickly!"  
  
"Then shouldn't you tell us more about this... spoon?" Then as if by magic Gandalf the grey appeared. The easily impressed and people who hadn't seen him walk up gasped. Elrond was one of those easily impressed.  
  
"Huh? How'd you do that?" He asked, awe-inspired that Gandalf had suddenly become so powerful he could crash secret meetings at will. Gandalf looked at Elrond earnestly.  
  
"I walked." Elrond blushed before motioning Gandalf to an empty chair.  
  
"Well now your here we need your immense expertise on the one... spoon" Gandalf nodded solemnly. `  
  
"I too felt an evil presence covering Rivendell like a blanket but I would never have guessed something so positively evil but round could be responsible." Gandalf said, half exasperated, half amazed. "I will tell you the little I know of this truly dark and shadowy popular cutlery piece."....  
  
"It was created in the fiery depths of Mount Doom: It is rumoured that at the very moment the Dark Lord was poring his heart, soul and evil tendencies into the One Ring that he was also snacking lightly on a nice bowl of minestrone soup. The evil aura surrounded the Dark Lord's bowl of soup, encasing it with its sinister power... The One Spoon is the very same spoon the Dark Lord was using to eat his soup with that fated day!" Gandalf's voice had grown low and menacing.  
  
"So it was a soup spoon then?" Commented Bog with a quick triumphant glance at the encapsulated Elrond.  
  
"But... but what happened to the soup and the bowl?" Asked Wayne, voice shaking with fear.  
  
"Oh well he finished his soup and well the bowl's a bowl isn't it? And bowl's can't be evil!"  
  
It took some time for everyone to calm down after this frightful tale. Eventually Elrond felt that he could continue.  
  
"And so we all now know what is causing our beloved Prince to act... naughtily. And so we must find Legolas and heal him before it is too late!" Elrond's voice was still fluctuating with despair. One of the Mirkwood contingent elves stood up suddenly.  
  
"Then we must go and save our adored Legolas!" All the elves nodded vehemently before arising to their new leaders challenge.  
  
"Wait." Said Gandalf, one hand rose to stop the hasty rescuers. "In order to free Legolas completely we must destroy the One Spoon!"  
  
"And how do we do that?" Asked the new elf leader, Adall.  
  
"Well Adall, friend of Legolas we must pitch the spoon into the depths of Mount Doom!"  
  
"Pity we don't know where the One Ring is really, we could do `em both at the same time and save everyone a lot of trouble!" Gandalf and Elrond nodded in agreement to Dwayne's statement.  
  
And so the legend of the One Spoon unwound...  
  
~*~  
  
So what did you think people? I wonder if any of you guessed that cutlery was responsible? Anyhow As soon as I had finished my apple I got a whole bunch of replacement apples! This makes glad. These delicious apples (no curses attached) were provided by Jellibeana and Michelle. And so everyone review, unfortunately I have nothing to offer you as an incentive but another chapter... 


	5. You little...

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The fourth thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:

Air strike my old school then send in the marines... he he he he...

~*~

Soon a team was picked, a fellowship if you will, to search and retrieve the cursed Legolas. On this team were Dwayne, Shayne, Wayne and Stayne, Blog, Brog and Bog (much too his two cousins annoyance), Adall, Sallas, Branine, Magine, Derek (very elvan name) and Gandalf. Elrond supplied their happy little troop with all their supplies, gave them a map, a pony named Stanley and an apple each. And so there they stood, an intrepid bunch of travellers with a reason, a means and a will. Elrond pointed them in roughly the direction he thought Legolas might be travelling which just happened to be towards Mordor (shock horror!) and waved them good-bye, thankful as hell that he wasn't going, though he never actually went anywhere anyway. And off they went!

            ... It was some time later; the fellowship had traversed miles of rugged terrain and was quite frankly bushed. Gandalf, in his infinite wisdom, called for a short recess. They had been travelling for hours and their only indication that they were travelling in the right direction was a wide path of destruction and desecration. The team had, early on, realised that this trail of obliteration might just be the handy work of their target. Gandalf rummaged around in his bag, lovingly provided by Elrond, and produced a gorgeous, shinny, most defiantly crispy red apple. He wiped it on his trademark grey robe, raising it to his inviting mouth. Suddenly Bog, who had been hiding in the shrubbery watching Gandalf intently, pounced on the senior citizen ripping the juicy fruit from his frail old hands. Bog sunk his eager teeth into the enticing apple.

"OI!" Shouted Gandalf, jumping up in a flurry of grey material. " You little shit!" Gandalf reached for his gnarled wooden staff swinging it up in an offensive manner. He swung wildly; swiping at the air for Bog was dancing out of reach. Suddenly Adall stood up, gold hair billowing in his wake (cool... but not as cool Legoals). He snapped up his bow and shot the apple right out of Bog's mouth... well at least that is what he really wanted to do, he was a good bowman but not nearly as good as Legolas so as a result he shot Bog in the arse – which is slightly different to an apple. Bog bellowed with pain and Galdalf was reduced to his hands and knees in a fit of laughter. Brog and Blog vaulted to their feet, battle-axes at the ready. A potentially dangerous, probably fatal situation was about to unwind. But something interrupted them. It seems Gandalf hadn't actually bothered to check where they were taking their rest so had completely failed to notice the gigantic radioactive green basilisk that was slowly uncoiling itself.  

~*~

Hey I know that chapter was realllllly short! It doesn't even deserve to be called a chapter!... Anyhow tomorrow I will post a longer one – I swear on the name of the sacred apple that I will post another, longer chapter tomorrow. Aside that it was short what do we all think? Wow! I have a great idea... why don't all of you... any of you... somebody please review (by the way thanks to everyone who has reviewed already when, some day, I get the permission to build a monkey shaped palace on top of Buckingham you can all come round for nibbleis.)


	6. The New Haircut

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The fifth thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:

Enter the annual Smurf day on the international calendar so everyone around the world had to 'Smurf the whole daylong'.

~*~

There was powerful wind wiping the rocky landscape, bending trees with its assume might and howling like a wolf in the dead of night. This of course did absolutely nothing for Legolas's hair, tossing it to and fro like a tropical hurricane (Legolas had been in a tropical hurricane before and the ramifications for his hair where.... well lets just say he still wont talk about it even after hours of therapy and gallons of conditioner.) Legolas put his hands on his hips while he tried to figure out a way to punish the wind for messing his beloved liquid gold mane. A vein started to throb on his forehead, his eyes started to twitch, his hands gripped his by now sodden blue shirt as his anger mounted to an almost palpable level. The wind, who was incredibly astute for varying climate pattern, died down immediately. Legolas didn't even notice, he was far to busy plotting and scheming, eventually he picked up his bow and shot straight up in the air, so up the arrow went, propelled by the might of Legolas's bow it managed to reach the sanctuary of a low level cloud. Satisfied Legolas let his bow drop to his side, nodding to himself with obvious pride.

Now Legolas was an elf, a bright elf yes, but still an elf. And elves, as far as I know, haven't discovered gravity: there was no incident with a pointy eared happy vegetation lover sitting under an apple tree waiting for that little fruit to pop him on the head (this would never happen anyway as Adall would have been there to shoot them in the arse – so bye, bye gravity and hello arrow indented in anal.) And there was Legolas, brimming with pride and completely oblivious of the very sharp pointing thing, gathering speed and heading right for him. Lucky for Legolas he chose that moment to step forward and shake his booty with pride. The arrow whistled down, sailing past the dancing elf. But while Legolas was dancing his hair was dancing too so off went a whole section of his celebrated hair, failing to the ground with a swoosh, cut from it's holy temple by the sharp little arrow. Legolas stoped abruptly, turning ever so slowly. He saw it.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Legolas fainted with shock. There he lay an evil elf with an interesting new hair style, in fact I think it is relatively safe to say Legolas's new hair style would be a first in middle earth (and hopefully a last.) 

It was sometime before the understandably shocked elf woke. The day had turned to night and the wind, noticing that Legolas would be out for a while had started up again with a vengeance and had brought along some pals for the ride. Legolas's craggy surroundings were completely covered with two feet of powdery snow. He woke with a start, shivering all over. He stood up on terribly shaky almost completely numb legs and brushed off his blanket of snow while trying desperately to warm himself up. His mind was a muddle, he wasn't sure if was going to make it. He took a shuddering step forward but fell down almost immediately. His sight started to blur and then there was nothing. 

A spoon slipped out of a pocket and landed on the snow....

~*~

Wooooooooooo! So dramatic! He he he he... did you like it! Well everyone kept on asking for a bit of the old Legolas so how could I refuse? Okay people I'm going to right and you're going to review – and if you don't soldiers it's the brig for you!          


	7. Snakeskin pants

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The 6th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:

Build an academy for trainee Cabana boys – where oil ran in rivers and scanty little bathers grew on trees... 

~*~

The gigantic radioactive green basilisk slowly uncoiled itself... As a collective the fellowship stopped their rampant violence and turned ever so slowly towards the source of the strange swishing sound. Gandalf was still thrashing around on the ground in manic laughter. The snake raised itself to its full hight, eyes still closed. All jaws, except for Gandalf's, dropped in silent screams. One by one the fellowship started to take little scared steps backward then run off into the refuge of some tall pine trees. The snake slithered right up to the blissfully unaware cackling wizard, and brought its face to within a metre of the strange break dancing figure. He waited patiently for a drum role or a nice melodious clap of thunder, no such luck... oh well he would have to open his evil little eyes without the proper overture. 

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" Came a strangled voice off the left of the snake, where he was sure there was an old clump of pine trees.

"Shhhhhhh! Shut up you little git! Do you want all of us to get killed?"

"But Gandalf! The giant green basilisk! I just don't want Gandy Wandy to get hurt!"

"SHUT UP OR I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE ARSE! Again... two cheeks equals twice the fun!" The snake snapped his round to the source of the intrusive sound. He could smell.... things.... bad things... things that smelt really, really bad. The snake took one last shuddering breath before falling flat on his face. It was a while before anyone noticed. Eventually Gandalf stoped laughing and turned over to see the gigantic radioactive green body of a bloody dangerous basilisk. He gave a little squeak before jumping to his feet, shuddering like a leaf in a Legolas induced wind. Bog turned to see Gandalf next to the prone body of the malicious reptile and ran out to congratulate him

"Oh Gandalf! You're just sooo amazing!" Gandalf snapped out of his temporary paralysis and turned to see the apple nicking little shit of a Bog, he smacked him across the head with his staff then struck a victorious pose.

"I know, I know, I'm just that good!" He straightened his hat and vaguely gestured towards his other team mates whom where still in the trees.

"You there deal with this!" The fellowship stared at Gandalf and then at the defeated snake.

"Wow..." Was all Adall could manage. "I mean yes sir!" 

Soon the snake had been 'dealt with'. Adall, who may not have been as hansom as Legolas or as good a bowman was, however, a bloody good fashion designer. He had skinned the dead snake and made art! He had made Gandalf a new, very stylish, snakeskin hat. He made Sallas a very nice snakeskin jacket – turning Sallas into a certified cool dude. He made Branine a snakeskin whip, Branine was mightily pleased. He made Magine a set of shinny new hair accessories, Magine was very proud of his hair. He made Derek a pair of thigh high boots, no explanation needed. For Brog he made a beard protector complete with straps that hang onto his ears. For Blog he made a beret that had to be forced onto the Dwarf's head and now was stuck. And finally for Bog, as a special present for shooting him in the arse, he made a full-length cape and a simple little eye mask. Bog yipped for joy and round around the clearing slashing big B's into anything that wouldn't protest with his large battle-axe. For himself, Adall made a pair of the tightest shiniest snakeskin pants ever seen. It took a while for everyone to change into their new gifts but when they where finished they were, literally, a sight for sore eyes.

And then they set of into the unknown in search of evil cutlery...

~*~

And there we have it – the next instalment of The Evil With. It would have been up last night but I couldn't get onto Fanfiction.net, which made me sad. So thank you to everyone who reviewed and thankyou chibi-cola for another fantastic apple! Munchy, munchy moo! And Gabrielle, your secret's safe with me. Now here's an incentive for you – the 10th reviewer will get a cameo appearance in the next chapter – and if their aren't 10 reviewers (which is probably more likely... I'll have to think of something different!)       


	8. Goblin's aren't Blond!

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The 7th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:

Make function study illegal and if anyone is seen using or even thinking about it cabana boys have to beaten them with rulers and poke them with pens! Grrrr Arg! 

~*~

The unknown was pretty much the same as the known. It had trees and shrubs, rocks and sticks and even air – which was pretty damn good considering. Gandalf was leading the party, staff at the ready in case the unknown wanted to pick a fight. Tall extra prickly pine trees lined their path; from the look of them the party were probably heading into a mountainous region. Gandalf stoped suddenly, holding a finger up into the air. Adall reasoned that he was probably just checking for the wind or something.

"Oh mystical finger tell us the way?" Boomed Gandalf starring at his raised finger with a reverent look on his aged face. Adall stared, he knew Gandalf was eccentric but this was just too weird! The finger remained silent. "Oh mystical finger please tell us the way?" Tried Gandalf, even louder. After a while Gandalf picked a random direction: "Ah... Left!" Then, bowing to his mystical finger he motioned to the party to keep on. They continued to climb. Ascending further up what they hoped was just a hill but actually turned out to be a bloody huge, snow capped mountain. It was getting dark and still the intrepid party climbed, though with many grunts and sighs. 

The sun had sunk and the moon had risen – bringing with it a fierce snowstorm. But the fellowships new snakeskin apparel protected them and gave them strength. The snow was getting pretty deep, Adall noted as he trudged thought the thigh high powder. His head was down low in an attempt to protect his delicate elvan face. It was like this that he came across something shiny and smooth protruding from the snow. He reached down for it tentatively.

"Huh?" He said aloud. "Hey Gandalf look what I found!" Adall brandished the shimmering lock in the old wizards face.

"Let me see that!" Gandalf snatched it out of Adall's open palm staring at it intently. 

 "I think I know who this belongs to!" Proclaimed Gandalf after he had taken a sniff of the disembodied hair. Everyone waited expectantly. 

"Goblins." Said Gandalf, quietly so as not to scare. 

"Goblins?" Asked Adall with a disbelieving tone.

"Yes Goblins! Bloody hell do I have to say everything twice around here?" Gandalf scowled at Adall. 

"Well sorry but I just didn't think this was goblin territory" Adall said sarcastically, hands on hips.

"Everywhere is goblin territory! Their everywhere I tell you – everywhere!" Gandalf started to jump up and down excitedly.  Meanwhile Bog, complete with cape and mask, had wandered off into the undergrowth. Suddenly he stumbled upon a something buried deep beneath the snow.

"ARG!" He swore loudly, turning around to kick whatever had stumbled him. It was Legolas, limp and lifeless. He shrieked loudly, running back to the rest of the fellowship as fast as he could.

"Oh really? How man frigging blond goblins have you seen you mad bastard?" Adall screamed at Gandalf who was still jumping around. Gandalf was about to reply when Bog came hurtling at him, determination and fear in his eyes. 

"I'm appleless you git now leave off!" Gandalf squeaked as he threw himself out of the rampaging dwarfs path. 

"SHUT UP... I.. I think I've found Legolas!" Managed Bog between breaths.  

~*~

Sorry about the wait people I was studying for a maths test... and it turns out i needed more study hangs head in shame. So now I'm drowning my sorrows in my writing... You know what would really help me and make me happy again? Reviews – pots and pots of reviews... second thoughts, pots are too small – barrels! Or maybe cargo boxes! You can use your discretion where the storage is concerned just as long as you review.  


	9. He's Alive!

~*~  
  
The 8th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Commission a pair of shoes in the shape of staplers... but real staplers so you could staple the pavement as you walked!  
  
  
  
... "WHAT?" Screamed Adall, snakeskin pants creaking with the pressure. Bog motioned the party to follow him. When they reached Legolas: Adall, Magine, Branine and Derek all shrieked with terror.  
  
"AHHHH NOOOO! Help us all.... He's dead!" Adall yelled, dropping to his knees in despair. Gandalf hesitantly poked the prone body of the elf god with his gnarled wooden staff.  
  
"Errrgh..." Groaned the previously pronounced dead elf Prince.  
  
"He's not dead!" Said Gandalf indignantly "You were jumping to conclusions you little tight panted prick!"  
  
"Oh happy days! He's not dead – and I'm not a prick... but these pants are tight!"  
  
And so it turns out Legolas isn't dead... just resting. But while the fellowship was celebrating something was streaking through the snow towards them. The fierce blizzard had abated. The moon glinted off something metallic... the moon glinted off many things metallic – things that were moving, things that were too slack to move by themselves so were being carried. Voices could be heard ahead, raised voices and.... Singing voices?  
  
"Your such a damn freak!" Hissed Adall, cradling the listless Legolas in his arms.  
  
"Oh yeah – bring it on buddy – " But suddenly the boys' fight was interrupted by an entire platoon of angry, smelly, war paint covered goblins.  
  
"Ha, I told you - goblins!" Gandalf managed before the entire party were converged upon from all sides. There was no time to fight; every one of the fellowship fell captive almost immediately – knocked unconscious by a vicious blow to the head.  
  
"Where are we?" Managed a sore and bruised Adall who had just regained consciousness. He woke in a dank and stinky room, which was underground due to the unnatural amount of dirt. "Well we're either in a very messy room or we're underground!" Said Adall, patting the dust with an idle hand.  
  
"Would you shut up? The last thing we need is your constant warbling – yes we're underground and you know what? I have no frigging idea where we are as I've been out cold for god knows how long!" Gandalf whispered harshly.  
  
"Why are you whispering?" Asked Adall, as loud as he pleased.  
  
"Grrrrr!" Gandalf growled, advancing on Adall.  
  
"Would you shut up?" Pleaded Derek, stamping his snakeskin boots on the ground. "Your petty little problems don't matter! Legolas and Bog are missing!" Adall and Gandalf slowly turned their heads towards Derek.  
  
"I'm sorry did someone say something? It's just the important people are already talking." Said Adall, voice full of scorn.  
  
"Damn straight chum – important people talking!" Agreed Gandalf. Derek scowled at the terrible pair and he would have said a really witty reply had not the door to their little dark, dank, dirty cell not just opened with a thud. A short mean looking goblin walked in, teeth beared and growling deeply.  
  
" Walk!" Snarled the goblin pointing to the doorway. The fellowship got to their feet cautiously, following the stinky goblin to where ever he wanted to go.  
  
It turned out that he was just taking them to meet the boss...  
  
~*~  
  
So there we have it –chapter 9! Please do send reviews, I like them so very much... they please me. So please be pleasing oh please, oh please, oh please. 


	10. Electric Blue Spandex

~*~  
  
The 9th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Get me a ticket to the World Cup Final – sometimes you just have to think really big!  
  
The boss was a huge fetid mass of matted hair and battle armour. Various fresh head wounds oozed perpetually. He leaned in his rusty iron wrought chair, fixing his gaze on the travellers.  
  
"Grrr arg grrr!" He spat.... literally.  
  
"... Sorry you little short arse – you said something?" Gandalf drawled, taking calculated glances around the room. Gandalf's head shot up "No, no, don't even bother answering – I don't have an umbrella or a pair of Speedos. So tell us: where are we and what have you done with Legolas and Bog?" Gandalf stood resolutely, hands on hips. The boss was taken aback – no one had ever been so insolent towards his holiness (not the Pope) before.  
  
"Ah... who?" He managed, thoroughly chastened.  
  
"Incompetence, such incompetence." Gandalf said, massaging his temples. "The ice blond god of Middle Earth and the weird, smelly, super hero type, very unsettling, apple stealing little shit! Ring any bells?" Gandalf sneered.  
  
"No – not really..." The Boss shook his head.  
  
"And where are we?" Gandalf reminded the flabbergasted Boss.  
  
"Ah – in my secret underground layer!" He gestured around himself, full of pride.  
  
"And where exactly is that?"  
  
"In a very high very large mountain!"  
  
"Wow – that sure was helpful! In fact you have been down right helpful so far. What would we have done with out you?" Gandalf said, brimming with sarcasm.  
  
"Oh well" The Boss chuckled softly. "You don't have to thank me-" A quick look at Gandalf's expression told the Boss quite clearly to shut up. Suddenly a loud explosion near the doorway interrupted their nice little chat.  
  
"What the-?" Said a startled and confused Boss as he gestured to his guards to go and investigate. An acrid dust cloud was swirling around the doorway. It was clearing slowly, revealing two figures standing apart, hands on hips and capes billowing in the wind.  
  
"Who is that?" Asked an amazed Gandalf. The guards, with absolutely no trepidation, ran towards the mysterious figures, bellowing loudly.  
  
"Wow! Your guards have absolutely no trepidation!" Said Gandalf.  
  
"Oh that... they can't spell it – it's a pretty hard word and the lad's can't spell anything over one syllable so I think it's asking a bit to much." Gandalf nodded with understanding just as the smoke cleared completely. It revealed the figures in all their spandex, sparkly splendour. On the left we have a tall ice blond and devilishly handsome man in an electric blue spandex body suit complete with shiny silver and gold stars. He wore a mask of swirly black and a cape of shiny gold. Next to him stood a much shorter, hairier man in a breath taking snakeskin cape and mask. Both men had struck dramatic poses; the taller of the two stepped forward.  
  
"My name is Legolas Prince of Mirkwood and certified chick magnet and I am here to stop you from killing, maiming, damaging or even looking on with intent at my friends and travelling companions." Legolas flicked his shoulders back making his cape fan out with style.  
  
"And I am here to enforce those wishes!" Snarled Bog, throwing his axe from hand to hand.  
  
"Bloody Hell!" Screamed the Boss putting an arm up to shield his eyes for the sparkles.  
  
"As you wish!" Cried Bog, leaping forward.  
  
~*~  
  
Sorry about the wait people – so much homework! I should in fact be doing homework now but you know what? I would rather write this story! So make it worthwhile for me and review until your all blue about the fingers. 


	11. STOP SCREAMING!

~*~  
  
The 10th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Make myself into a mutant who's power would be the ability to finish a Taco's nachos in one go – them's are big Nachos!  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
Bog would have killed the Boss there and then had he not been wearing 1.2 metric tonnes of battle armour. This, of course, meant that it was extremely hard – nigh impossible – for the boss to move. So he sat there, stark still, face stuck in the grip of fear.  
  
"BOOOOOOOOG NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Brog jumping before the Boss, arms wide to offer some protection to the gigantic gold mound.  
  
"Get out of the way Brog, this is between me and fatso!" Hissed Bog, pulling up short of decapitating his cousin.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WON'T LET YOU!" Screamed Brog – forcing everyone to clutch their ears or be forever deaf.  
  
"WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING!" Asked Bog as loud as he could.  
  
"I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW – IT'S KIND OF FUN I GUESS!" Everyone nodded, understanding Brog's oral needs entirely.  
  
The Boss had taken his chance and had slipped out of his body armour with the aid of a bottle of baby oil he always kept for emergencies such as this. He crept out the back, tip toeing to the doorway. Suddenly the sharp- eyed Gandalf snapped his head in the direction of the escaping Goblin pointing at him and bellowing loudly.  
  
"AAAAAH HE'S ESCAPING!" Legolas, who had been out of action for far too long snapped up his brand-new 'secret weapon' and pointed it at the Goblin smiling mischievously.  
  
"Take a look buddy – a long, long look!" The Boss glanced at the 'secret weapon' then screamed out, clutching his eyes in pain. Legolas pocketed the new and highly effective secret weapon before gesturing to the wide dusty doorway.  
  
"Okay people enough of silly buggers lets go!" Adal looked at Legolas longingly.  
  
"It's so good to have you back lord! But... where o' where is the spoon?" Legolas beautiful features contorted horridly.  
  
"The.. The spoon..."  
  
"Oh it's okay everyone! Bog's got it!" Pointed out Magine. And so he did – Bog was at that time busy 'redecorating' the wall with his battle-axe. He had already made a fair sized hole. Everyone looked on in terror as Bog attacked the wall – weakening it to cave-in point.  
  
"AHH CAVE IN!" Screamed Brog dancing around in fear.  
  
"To the door – quickly!" Suggested Gandalf with a forceful tone. Everyone whisked out of the door just in time to see the cave crumble completely.  
  
"Ohh that was lucky!" Said Legolas as he ran his hands up and down his blue spandex absentmindedly. But no sooner had the words left his mouth than they were replaced with a cloud full of dust. He belched the fine powder up, mouth wide and eyes watering.  
  
"AHH NO ANOTHER CAVE-IN!" Shrieked Brog...  
  
And he was right – but it wasn't just a cave-in. The entire mountain was falling down around their ears! Gigantic boulder sized rocks clattered past them while they were engulfed in opaque swirls of dust. The party was forced onto their hands and knees in order to breathe but this meant they were in particular danger of being squashed by the free-falling lumps of stone.  
  
"Stay close to me!" Coughed Gandalf through the all – encompassing dust.  
  
"I'll never leave you buddy!" Wheezed Adall reaching out a thin hand to grasp Gandalf's wrinkly one. ...  
  
~*~  
  
Oh no is this the end? Well the only way you'll ever find out is to tune in next week – or maybe even tomorrow... depends when I actually get round to writing again! Anyhow there will be another chapter and so sorry for the horrendously long wait for this one – I have no excuses... I am just so ashamed! So until I get round to the next chapter I suggest you review all day – ALL DAY!...  
  
Chao! 


	12. The Best Quilt Cover in Middle Earth

The 11th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Make football jerseys compulsory wear – I mean you can wear trousers and other stuff just as long as you also wear a jersey. Of course, you don't have to wear trousers – don't feel like I'm forcing you or anything. If you pant to walk the pantless walk go ahead.  
  
In the ground there are holes – hobbit holes. There are also lots of other things in the ground though – things like worms and critters (yes critters) that are dirty and mean. There once was this hobbit called Bilbo Baggins – he lived in a Hobbit hole and unbeknownst to him the place was absolutely crawling with critters. Another thing it was crawling with was Frodo Baggins (his nephew) and all of his young excitable friends. They had been running rampant through his lovely home since half past two in the morning! It was Frodo's 18th you see and he had felt like celebrating – unfortunately he had opted for the indoors bring a friend and a bottle of something suspect instead of the time honoured go outside and watch sparkling things while you eat cake. Bilbo sighed heavily as he rested back further into his comfy feather pillow, bringing the patchwork quilt up to his chin. The patchwork quilt depicted a myriad of scenes including dragons and blond god like elves doing death-defying stunts with perfect hair and skin – it was a very exciting quilt cover. In fact it was probably the most exciting quilt cover in middle earth (bar Mordor quilt covers because everyone knows Mordor make a mean quilt cover). Bilbo shut his eyes – ready for sleep. But not ready for the drunken hobbit that burst through his door and fell comatose on his celebrated quilt cover.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Screeched Bilbo as he jumped out of the bed, hands up for defence against the dribbling drunk. Bilbo's scream seemed to momentarily breakthrough the thick screen of chatter. Eventually a dazed but decidedly happy Frodo stumbled into Bilbo's bedroom.  
  
"Wha'?" He asked sleepily.  
  
"There is a drunk dribbling on my quilt cover!" Frodo looked at the bed then at Frodo.  
  
"So there is – well spotted. I'd make you a badge but Merry and Pippin have stolen the scissors."  
  
"Frodo you promised me that this party would be a small bring something suspect in a bottle affair! Not a drunken disco!" Frodo shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"No ,no, no I said it would be a bring a friend and a bottle of something suspect party – which is completely different." Frodo said in a matter of fact tone. Bilbo opened his mouth to retort but just stood there trying to work out the difference. "Hey you know what? I'm gonna' go out and party and maybe even drink some more-" Frodo stoped when he saw the distraught look on Bilbo's face. "What am i saying? I'll defiantly drink some more!" And with this Frodo staggered out of Bilbo's room leaving the elder hobbit completely bemused.  
  
Eventually Bilbo got back into bed. He politely said good night to the drunk hobbit, then turned out the lights...  
  
~*~  
  
And so we finally meet up with our two favourite shot-arses with hairy feet! It may be some time before we get back to Legolas and co – but then again it may be next chapter – depends what I feel like. So tune in next time folks and review – did I mention review? Not before I go I've got to tell you to review, don't let me forget to tell you to review... Now is there something I've forgotten - i certainly hope it wasn't to tell you all to review! 


	13. The Best of Both World's

The 12th thing I would do if I owned Lord of the Rings:  
  
Never burn an omelette again…  
  
~*~  
  
It was the morning after… not that kind of morning after though. Frodo's birthday had gone incredibly well and he was well pleased. He was currently curled up on the couch; Hobbit beer clutched in his little furry hand. A series of loud knocks emanated from the kitchen. Curses could be hared, very rude, very loud curses. Frodo raised his head lightly, opening one sleep caked bleary eye and surveying the destruction left by the coming of his eighteenth year. He chuckled crustily 'So,' he thought to himself 'Merry and Pippin did nick the scissors!'  
  
"FRODO!" someone screamed from the direction of the kitchen. Frodo slowly turned his head. "GET IN HERE FRODO!" Bilbo appeared at the kitchen entrance brandished a dirty frying pan.  
  
"Huh?" queried Frodo, raising himself up onto his shaky legs.  
  
"I'll give you huh!" and without further ado Bilbo threw the filthy frypan at Frodo's defenceless head. Lucky for Frodo that Bilbo was a shocking shot. The Frying pan pinged off the wall behind him, knocking off a picture of Bilbo's Great Aunt.  
  
"Hey don't throw frying pans at Great Great Aunt Barge!" said Frodo as he picked his way towards his steaming uncle, careful not to tread on the slumbering bodies of his buddies.  
  
"Frodo the kitchen looks like ground zero!" Frodo shook his head at this absurd assumption.  
  
"No, no it is ground zero – I rented it out to a number of fez wearing Dwarf's with some suspect looking nuclear weapons… what?" Bilbo sighed deeply.  
  
"Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?" Bilbo gestured around 'ground zero' with an outstretched arm – knocking a white envelope off the mantle piece. "Ohh what's this?" Bilbo knelt down and picked up the mysterious envelope inspecting it gingerly. "To Bilbo – that's me!" Bilbo smiled happily – ground zero completely forgotten. He ripped the envelope open, spilling its contents onto his outstretched palm. All the while Frodo watched while taking tentative sips on his beer. "It's a letter from Elrond!" Frodo's eyebrows drooped with confusion.  
  
"Who's that then?" he asked slowly. Bilbo gave him a cursory glance.  
  
"Long haired lout – likes trees," Bilbo said nonchalantly as he continued to read the letter.  
  
"Great I'm gonna' go back to sleep now – ciao!" Bilbo's hand shot out, stopping Frodo dead in his tracks.  
  
"No you're not – turns out old Elrond is in need of some assistance. So we're packing our bags bambino… let's go!" Frodo drained his beer in one massive gulp.  
  
"Alright."  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile our other intrepid travellers have got into a spot of bother…  
  
Bog had caused the cave-in and it was Bog who fixed it in the end. He madly slashed his way out of their rocky prison. Everyone followed cautiously – and some while back as to avoid Bog's frantic hacking. It was nighttime when our party emerged on a rocky outcrop over looking a dense pine tree forest. The moon glinted off the sea of gigantic vegetation and the multi faceted rocks giving off an eyrie glow. The fellowship spilled out of the freshly butchered opening collapsing on ground, gasping for air like a bunch pathetic little fish. Bog placed his trusty battle-axe on his shoulder staring at the gaping hole in the rock face with pride.  
  
Gandalf was the first to calm down and take stock of their bearings. 'They were on a rocky hill and there were trees,' was the best he could come up with. He let his eyes gaze slip towards the dust-covered form of Bog. The One Spoon was clearly visible strapped to hia cape. He would have to move quickly if he were to nick the spoon with out facing the prospect of a battle-axe in the mouth. But then again he was Gandalf the Great… The grey great… Anyhow he had won plenty of track and field trophies at wizard school so this was a piece of cake – a nice cheesecake. Gandalf's eyes glinted with determination as he raised himself onto to his senior citizen hunches.  
  
~*~  
  
Well that chapter certainly took a while in coming! Sorry about that… I have no excuse – I'm just lazy... incredibly lazy. Though I do hope you can forgive me and I beseech you, please do review – it dost make so happy! 


	14. da da da da da da da da da da da da da

Ba da da ba da da ba ba da ba ba! (what passes as a lame drum beat) Chapter 14 is alive! (manic cheers and shouts)  
  
By gooly gosh boys and girls it has been many months indeed since I have updated this here tale but I have finally overcome my laziness, so I present to you chapter 14!  
  
~*~ "Hi my name's Sauron. You probably know of me as the seven-foot tall, gold armour plated spiky freak with a penchant for little circlets of gold. Well those generalisations are mostly accurate but I am more. So much more. And to prove to you that I am so much more I talked the author of this tale into letting me do the review chapter! After a few spins on the old wheel of torture they obsequiously agreed. I recognise this is a big responsibility but I really wanted to do something original. Something different. Something kitsch! So I asked a few of my oily minions around to the 'ol bachelor pad got them rather pissed and am about to completely revise this story (for those that don't remember) in modern art style. Well here I am, all dressed in black and ready to make tracks!" ~-*~  
  
At the very top of the great tower Barad Dum there lies a room. Completely shrouded in the dank putrid darkness that crawls up the tower from its fetid base this room is like all others. But when the great eye of Sauron, wreathed in flame, burns out from the top of this hideous tower the ambient light falls upon this room. Suddenly it is transformed into a funky, vibrant beast of a room. Suddenly it becomes Saurons very own bachelor pad.  
  
After a long, hard days work there's nothing Saurons minions enjoy more than relaxing on a comfy slab of burnt iron (fits with the décor you know) and watching their truly evil master present hilarious acts of modern performance art. Today is no exception. Today Sauron, the little blighter, will perform for their and our pleasure 'The Evil Within' modern art style. The tables are absolutely packed and the chunk of wrought iron that passes for a stage is watched with growing expectation. The lights dim. ~*~  
  
Thick black velvet curtains roll back from the stage revealing a woodland set with a huge cardboard tree. Sitting under the tree looking at himself in the mirror is Lord Legolas Sauron. Suddenly he stands up revealing a beautiful head of golden hair that trickls lightly down his back. "I'm going to introduce myself now boys," he flicks his hair panteen style " and girls. So don't say I didn't warn you." He rips of his long grey elvan cloak to reveal a shockingly tight black cabaret outfit. Strains of Bananarama's Venus break the heavy silence. Cabaret Sauron starts to sing seductively. "I'm your elf, I'm your sire, I'm your desire!" ~*~  
  
Yes... well that was rather weird wasn't it? I'm sorry about that folks but it had just been in my system for a while and I just had to exercise the Sauron cabaret demon. 


End file.
